DOROTHY was unhappy. Life on the Kansas farm seemed grim, and her pocket money hadn’t increased in real terms for years. It was time for a change; time to make Kansas great again. Then, when she was sitting in the farmhouse with her dog Toto, a tornado came along, sweeping them up and taking her away, far from reality.
With a thud, the farmhouse landed on a woman. As Dorothy came out, she saw a crowd of little people rejoicing. “You killed the wicked witch of the east wing,” they shouted. “We could not comply with her charitable foundation or her lax email security procedures. But you saved us.”
“Who are you?” asked Dorothy.
“We are the Mnuchins” they said “and we raise all the finances for the Wonderful Wizard of Oz, who lives in a big tower with his name on the side.”
“What’s his name?” asked Dorothy.
“Ozterity” came the reply.
“Can the Wizard of Oz bring wealth back to my farm in Kansas?” she asked.
“Of course” they cried.
“Will the Wizard help me and my dog Toto?” she asked.
“It depends. Is Toto a Hispanic name?” said the Mnuchin man. “And where did you come from anyway?”
“I was brought here from Kansas by a sudden tremor.”
“So you’re an illegal immigrant who believes in climate change” came the reply.
“Lock her up” cried another Mnuchin.
Fortunately, the people were so happy with the death of the Wicked Witch that they repented. “To find the Wizard of Oz, you must follow the Orange Tan Road” they explained.
Dorothy looked down at her old worn shoes. “Is it a long walk? she asked.
“Don’t worry,” Mnuchin said. “We have just the thing.” And they brought her a ruby red baseball cap with “Make Oz great again” written on it. “It will keep the sun out of your eyes,” they said. “And it will protect you from the Breitbart monkeys.”
“I was hoping for shoes,” she said.
“You don’t need good shoes on the Orange Tan road. It is a highway. Most. By the time you get to the end, you’ll be tired of how good it is. Just keep on the right-hand side. At the end is a swamp. But we bothered him. Usually. Actually you might have to swim through that belly.”
So Dorothy left. Before she got very far, she heard moaning from the side of the road. Then she saw a man in a metal suit.
“Who are you?” she asked.
“I’m an industrial worker, but most people call me the Tin Man. I’m traveling to see the Wizard of Oz, hopefully I’ll get a job. Or at least throw some oil on my sore joints.”
“My name is Dorothy and this is Toto. You can travel with us.”
“Great. Now I’m Dorothy’s friend,” said the Tin Man.
“That’s right,” said the little girl, breaking into song. “Somewhere over the rainbow confederation…”
A little later, they came across a scarecrow, who was stuck in a slender tower of Pisa decorations. “If you can just lift me off” the cormorant pleaded. It turned out that his school was only 24thon the ranking of Pisa, and he was going to see the magician in the hope of getting a better education. “I hear he runs a very good university,” said the scarecrow.
Finally, they came across a dangerous animal by the side of the road. Dorothy was scared. But Toto hung up and the animal ran away.
“Come back,” said Dorothy. “We didn’t mean to scare you.”
Rino was the stupid creature. “Will you go with me please? he asked. “I used to believe in small government, a balanced budget and constitutional freedom. But I have lost my confidence. I hope the Wizard will give it back to me.”
“Didn’t he take it away in the first place?” asked the old man.
“There, you’re already learning,” said Dorothy.
And the three began to sing.
“We’re off to see the Wizard / The wonderful Wizard of Oz / We hear he’s a buff / Because of the billions he’s made in his biz.”
But now they were in sight of the legendary Ozterity tower. It looked very grand. But they were deafened by the noise of incessant tweeting and huge signs around him.
“Warning. This site is protected by Breitbart monkeys and Fox news presenters. Don’t join unless you’re a right-wing general or a billionaire.”
Dorothy looked calmly at her companions. “Did we go see the wizard?”
“Looks good to me” said the Rino who went up to the monkeys, rolled over until her belly was tickled and was quickly consumed.
“Sad” said Dorothy.
“Lost” said the Tin Man.
“The worst” said the cormorant.
Dorothy turned around. “Stick it,” she said. “I hear he’s an old man behind a curtain of hair. Let’s go to Canada.”
With apologies to L Frank Baum
